1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
