I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
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we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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