Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
