she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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