some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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