is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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