maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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