Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
This is my gift to your gina
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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