u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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