I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize