Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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