so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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