you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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