i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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