everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
