I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
