Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
