I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
