Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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