someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
