Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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