im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
