You're a womanizer and a bitch.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
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