how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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