I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
