I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
