i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
