i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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