When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
