And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
