I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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