there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
