Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
