i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
