I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
