Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
