I can text with my tongue
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think i have two assholes
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I intend to get homeless drunk
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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