How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
