I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
