...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
