i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
