Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
