When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
