Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
