i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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