you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
