your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i love accidental penises.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
