Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
