today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
