MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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