no, he came in my armpit
where does the pee come out of this thing
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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