just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
