If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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