pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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