i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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