My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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